Laughter in the Mountains

This one could be a long one…
A picture is worth a thousand words…

Cut to the Quick

It takes a man a few years of kicking and screaming (acting like a child doesn’t help) to realize that there is one saying that should be learned earlier than later for a man concerning marriage.
That is the simple seven word saying:

“If THEY are happy, YOU are happy!”

That basically says it all.
It doesn’t make sense to me, and at this point I think it’s a major flaw in a woman’s character, that she marries you because of who you are, and then for the rest of your life, she tries to change you into what she wants! That is a flaw. And I would like any woman to explain that one to me!
Ole’ Harry Belafonte can explain it the best in this song:
(you can listen to it as you read this)

“Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.”
Ironically the differences that attract us to our mates becomes the sexual tension that is an energy that is like a bucking bronco: hard to control (do we really want to?).
I guess that is why divorce rates in this country are almost at 50% Wow. That is according to divorcerate.org.
I am not going there at all here, because I have no reason to rant about the negatives of marriage, because I consider myself a lucky guy when it comes to having “the good wife”. I don’t care how good – or bad – your marriage is however, it takes work. A saying I like to use:  “Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done for free”. Hey wait a minute! I do all the laundry here! Shit, how did THAT happen?

House Husbands on the Rise

Business Week among others are talking about the rise of “House Husbands”. Of course they don’t call themselves that. Homemaker would REALLY be bad for the ego of the male. “Domestic Engineer” is the term that is used nowadays. A good illustration of this is this story in GM America: House Husbands on the rise.
Especially if you are handy around the house, you can surprise the little lady with chores you have added to your HoneyDo List for the day.

Makin' them level. Finally, no more naggin'

Won’t she be shocked to see that you have finally leveled the cabinets in the kitchen so the stuff doesn’t fall out anymore when you open the cabinet doors.

OK that’s done, let’s go drinki— er, fishing, yea that’s it!.

Handy around the house. It’s so important, and one of the things that she is pleasantly surprised to find out about you AFTER you get married. She probably had no idea you were so cunnin’ and clever when it came to doin’ shit.

You should see the underwear!

“She will REALLY be surprised when she comes home from work and see that you made your daughter a special  dress for her formal school dance.”

OK,  if you live in the south, statistics show that you are more apt to marry younger and more often than if you were in New England. I don’t know who cam e up with that stat, but they obviously weren’t taking a poll in northern New Hampshire, Vermont, or Maine. (especially northern Maine).

Be sure that when you DO want to propose in public, that you are DAMN sure beforehand that she is going to say YES! These poor bastards in the video below probably thought that they could use the pressure of the crowds and the situation to steer “their loves” into a decision that they knew in their hearts these girls weren’t going to go for.
So guys if you are going to propose in public, why? It just might be because she probably will say I WON’T…

The Big Day!

So the big day comes. The ultimate HOT and EROTIC times are here. You are screwing like rabbits – in restaurants, Ferris wheels, cars, planes, inside dumpsters – everywhere. To make it official in the society you live in, and to make Grandma happy, you get married. And to make it officially official, you have a celebration with your friends and family.
And oh yes, you say:

“Let’s do an Open Bar”
This is what happens when you do an open bar at your own wedding. You become your own best customer (victim).

So on behalf of all of us working hard on keeping the most often used four letter word in our vocabulary LOVE instead of – well, you know…
I would like to wish you all tremendous luck in love, whether you have been married for over 50 years, a newlywed, or haven’t met your soul mate yet.

Happy Valentines Day!

Early Vibrator Ad

First things first.

Nine years before the vacuum cleaner, and ten years before the electric iron, there were more VIBRATORS in American homes than toasters.

So you think that men knew what women wanted? Effin-A they did. To keep a woman happy.

Those darn gynecologists

First the “experts had to define and figure out that unbelievable biological marvel that God made: the vagina. That wonderful/lethal mystery that is at the intersection of a woman’s legs.

In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following thesis:

“The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes it’s own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental”

Polar Cub Electric massage is recommended for nervous disorders.

We have come a long way from the early 20th century, where doctors and clinical scientists believed that Female Hysteria was a legitimate medical diagnosis.

Check out the description for this 1922 newspaper ad:
“Polar Cub treatment really does remove wrinkles and hollows. Polar Cub Electric massage is splendid for your scalp. Polar Cub Electric massage is recommended for nervous disorders. It brings instant relief in cases of headache, fatigue and general ‘nerviness’. Order a Polar Cub Vibrator to-day.
To use it is simplicity itself. Just remove the electric light bulb and attach the vibrator. It is perfectly safe and perfectly harmless.”

Strange how it just seemed more desperate of a diagnosis back then than it is now.
Masturbation isn’t so “necessary” in females as to fix their afflictions. Through massage – or masturbation – doctors would create ‘hysterical paroxysm” otherwise known as orgasm. Also strange how with the advent of electricity, “female hysteria” started to dissipate. It probably had something to do with the invention of Aspirin, and the marketing of it at the turn of the 19th century. All of a sudden, the headaches that women were having started to disappear, until then the only way to alleviate headaches in women was by the vibrator.

Cocaine for kids - Just what every kid needs!

Also, let us not forget that Cocaine was still very prevalent in everyday life,and was an important part of “getting through the day” Even the Pope drank wine that had cocaine in it. He loved it so much he gave a medal to the guy who made it. Woops, I mean his “supplier”.

"I just like how Cocaine smells"

I have done cocaine, and it makes you a different person.

Just read what Sigmund Freud had to say about cocaine
in his dissertation “On Coca” published in 1884.

So there’s the scenario: A horny housewife in 1880, nothing to do all day, headaches with no aspirin, all riled up on cocaine, stuck in her “social place” , you get the picture. Hell, I would get “male hysteria” too!

I guess there’s always Nature’s Safety Valves: Laughter.
Like this:

Now Look out! The heave duty teeth chattering lights dimming vibrators are here!

Run away! or run towards them. The most expensive vibrator on the market is $999.00

most expensive vibrator

Now this can be found HERE for those of you serious to get this. Also some cool other ones now on the market.

The Rabbit Vibrator is one that now can be controlled via chat on the Internet.

You silly Wabbit

That means that your partner on the other end of a computer terminal somewhere
can control its motions while talking with you!. Amazing!And you have SO many individual controls for both vagina and clitoris stimulation. Make your eyes pop out.

You can have true cyber sex in the comfort of your own point and click environment. What will they think of next?! Oh WAIT! They already have thought about it. It’s the latest in digital self- gratification. Imagine listening to Eddie Veder and started to get wet? Well, we have just the thing for you now!

Oh my God I-Pod!

That’s right. Feel the Music- Literally with the Ohmibod Ipod. HPhone or Music Player??

How naughty is YOUR Ipod player. You can purchase this baby for that’s right – you guessed it: $69.99

Gives new meaning to “good Vibrations” from the Beach Boys doesn’t it?

Of course, if you see a hot co-worker smiling all day at work listening to her Ipod, it just might NOT be comedy that she is listening too. It could be that she is appreciating the true buzz of the guitar strings in Dave Matthews latest composition…

But if you really want to get down and dirty, you have to go with the ultimate ride. This is like hooking your vibrator to the drier 220 WHILE sitting on the spin cycle of the washing machine. Of course I am talking about the SYBIAN, explained nicely here in this video by Dallas Someoneorother:

So, the next time you hear this song on the radio: Mellow Yellow, by Donovan, think about how far we have cum…

Oh, and by the way, as far as the explanation of this song, some folks have tried to explain it was about smoking banana peels. Trust me folks, this song was written about the vibrator. “I’m just mad about Saffron” That was about the color of the vibrators in the Sixties – off-white plastic. You can also get the rest of the lyrics HERE.

You can figure the rest out yourself… Enjoy, and,

Keep in touch with yourselves!

Dead-On Blog

USUALLY  I try and make sense of stuff in my own wacky way. I guess it’s a way to appease the voices in my head. So here’s an attempt to show the evolution of the Internet. TRANSLATION: Easier it gets, the stupider the people.

(continue reading…)

It has been ONE hell-of-a-wintah. One of them Ole-Fashioned ones. You know – with people shoveling snowbanks on the roads. That’s right: folks in the roads arbitrarily shoveling snowbanks. Doesn’t make sense until you see the tiny driveway that has been swallowed up by SNOW.

Finding things to do

The way that we deal with the fickle machinations of Old Man Winter is through Adaptability. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. When life hands you icicles, make yourself a Freezer.

New Freezer - Energy efficient

The thing about living up North is

We have learned to adapt because of the weather. Every part of our lives we learn to adapt.

ice-asshouse

Not only does it come from directly working from what the weather gave you, but also what LIFE gives you. Yankees are not only frugal people, they are loaded with common sense, which in turn is born out of necessity.
Don’t have  a diaper for the Little Tike? Then you just have to make do wit the stuff you have around the trailer:

Like I said, it’s

all about Adaptability.

Need some extra cash? Then you can easily turn your car into a teaching tool:

TRAINIG TOOL: Dual Steering Wheel

PRESTO! You’ve got some extra greenbacks in your pocket As far as brakes are concerned, well, that’s for another time. I guess you would call your school: “Driving by Braille”
Need a seatbelt or yours broken? We all know the value of Duct Tape:

Keeping it Legal

And, don’t forget: you need to reinforce your bumper if you are going to teach kids how to drive:

Driving by Braille

Then if you want to Accessorize the car  and turn it into a “Luxury sedan”
then that’s easy:

NEW Car Stereo

How about a Hands Free Cell Phone?

Welcome to another VfFF – View from the Funny Farm.

Today we are going to learn about sex. Or how the words in frequent become one as we get older. I’ll wait.

One and done is the male version. The definition of eternity for Italian males: between the time you come, and the time she leaves. Oh! yea. (rim shot) Must be the change in weather.

— A woman goes to the doctor complaining that nickles keep falling out of her vagina. The doctor says: “Relax, you’re just going through your change” —

Humor is a very effective tool that brightens the day, blah blah blah.

You thought I was going to preach there, huh? Nowadays everyone’s attention span is getting shorter and shorter. I could insert a political reference here, because George Carlin was right. Whichever culture has the biggest dick wins! It’s a big dog dick world.

Jesse James is holding up the train when he says: “Alright, we’re gonna rob all the women and rape all the men” His sidekick nudges him and says: “Jesse, don’t you have that turned around? Don’t you mean you are gonna rape all the women and rob all the men?” A voice comes from the back: “You just let Jesse rob this train!”

Life was hard, people were short, and so were their lives lived back then. Live and laugh now, while you can.

Here’s what’s happening in California this week.

Check in every week to see the latest.

If you are planning on tackling the Murray Hills trails, some new rules are in effect that you need to know.

Nam suscipit dolor ut dolor faucibus vestibulum. Aenean vel lorem mi, sit amet vestibulum lacus. Suspendisse eu dui elit, non molestie ipsum. Maecenas at dui quis massa sagittis pulvinar eget et felis. Pellentesque quam nisi, blandit eget rhoncus vitae, ornare ut lacus. Curabitur vel auctor ipsum. Proin sit amet ipsum velit, at accumsan eros. Sed ac tortor tincidunt justo ultricies fringilla quis in ante. Phasellus eget cursus ante. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas.

Curabitur faucibus lacus a lorem eleifend congue. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Mauris at euismod arcu. Nunc pharetra, turpis quis hendrerit ultrices, ligula orci euismod diam, quis blandit enim nisi quis lectus.

Stay to the right on the bridge!

Quisque condimentum turpis non sapien lacinia mattis. Pellentesque scelerisque tempus eleifend. Etiam pulvinar eros quis massa aliquam vestibulum. Aliquam ultricies faucibus enim eget porta.

“What do you think you are, a comedian?” (Part 1)

I don’t know how many times I have heard that phrase – not necessarily directly at me -  but in conversations with other folks in the group trying to be witty, especially when they would try out a new joke. Trying out new jokes takes balls, especially when you do it in large groups. I did a new joke in front of 700 people. A picture of the show and crowd is here:

When you do a 2 hour comedy show, if everything works, you're not trying new stuff

New jokes very rarely go over, unless you are a pro, have been practicing it for awhile, or it is such a good short-hitter, that it can’t miss. Usually if the joke is flawed, an experienced comedian can doctor it up using his or hers “medical bag” of tricks: physical traits – faces, body language, pratfalls – local regional stupidity couture. This is a pouring on of your regional speech to disarm the listener. Timing and phrasing. A good comedian can take a racially charged joke and steer the characters into a different place. A place that has relative meaning to the crowd that is being performed for. Here is 11 minutes of the Bucky Lewis Show giving you a sense on dynamics, timing, set-up, and general overall ADD.
Bucky Lewis from Aura/Duce Productions/ Ariadne M on Vimeo

.

So, how does it work?

You have to find and discover, AND use, what resources and assets you have: Do you have a funny physical feature? Do you look like anyone famous? Do people say that “You remind me of _ _ _ _?”  Use it. Even if you are not good at mimicking people, you still can use it, with some clever writing. And practice. Every single Do you sound like your Uncle George form the Old Country? Look at Borat as an example. You put a character face on comedy, it makes it that much funnier. Before Larry the Cable Guy hit the jackpot, he was just a husky guy with a mullet doing stand-up in clubs. Just another run of the mill comedian. And then, bingo! Dan Whitney

If you can’t see the video, go HERE:

THERE are a lot of different types of comedy. Slapstick, Cerebral, Character based, Improvisational, Stand-Up, Visual, Storytelling, etc. This is a very good illustration from Monty Python (at the Hollywood Bowl) on the different types of Slapstick, and the way it works:

NEXT UP: The Business of Funny Business (Part 2)

2009 and the Penis

But first, a word from our sponsor:

Yes friends, this is all about the past year and how the course of it was DICKtated by most. Some people got outright nailed on it.

It just doesn't work!

I guess the fact that from an early age when all of us males woke up in the morning with a built in kickstand, we actually didn’t know that this marvelous pull-toy of ours would lead to trouble by having a mind all its own. When we did discover that burping it would make it feel better, we tried to take it further by seeing if we suck ourselves off (see above).
We would listen to it more and more, and then when we understood it’s logic: to search and destroy, we got in trouble.

There is not one male reading this, who can say their pointer wasn’t the lead dog on the sled a lot (most) of the time.

The Top Sex Scandals of 2009:

1. Tiger Woods

Shouldn't Billionaires live in the country, and not the 'Burbs?

Now, if this doesn’t nail the fact that we are just basic male mammals in a meat eating society, and the “If it moves, kill it or fuck it” applies, nothing does.

The man had it all. But I guess, for I don’t know, that you can’t be content without being a hunter gatherer.
I’m not even going to get into the whole “Black guy/ White chicks thing…

SPECIAL:  ——Secret sex tape was just released! ——-

2. David Letterman

Those who throw stones...

It’s a bitch being the receiver not the giver on certain things.
I’m sure that ole’ Stephanie was wearing a pheromone on those nights. He just couldn’t help himself. He should have had his testosterone directed towards a hobby like collecting cars and motorcycles like Jay Leno.
Of course if I had to put up with that megalomaniac Paul Schaeffer every night, I would snap too.

3. Roman Polanski

"Calling all 13 year old girls"

OK, they say “Time Heals all Wounds”, or is it, Time Wounds all Heels”. Not quite sure. But rape is rape. Period.
I guess Polanski’s last name is pronounced ‘Pol – in – ski’ in English.

4. Charlie Sheen

"I just can't control them pesky fists"

I guess when you are talking sex scandals, abuse shoots right up there.
When people can’t keep it in their pants, they are having trouble with their inner self. This particularly applies to domestic abuse.
Let’s see, do we have a problem here? He told Denise Richards he “would have her killed”, shot Kelly Preston in the arm, and can’t stop the drug and alcohol thing.

Women like men who are funny, so why are they attracted to THIS man?

5. Governor Mark Sanford

"Trust me honey, it really is that big!"

Nothing could be finer than to be in South America…
At least the man had taste, even if he so stupid. Pretty scary that you can’t come up with a better excuse than the one he gave:
Hiking the Appalachian Trail. Really? I didn’t know it went through Buenos Aires. Musta been the faulty geography books they gave us in parochial school.

Time flies; and then you attract em’.
I did not go to Woodstock forty years ago. Was it forty? I basically was not allowed to go anywhere under the premise that I was supposed to be devoted to the “Cousins” musical group that I was in. We traveled and performed every week when I was a kid, a Cowsills/Osmonds type family group specializing in a clean-cut image during the time of hippie grunge. Consequently, my whiffle cuts went counter to the counter culture cool look that was the scene of the day. Water under the dam bridge.

Woodstock - 40 years ago!

Imagine what a weekend it was. 400,00 people on 600 acres of dairy fields. No trouble, no texting, cell phones, Facebook. Wow. I guess the people who didn’t go wish they did, and the ones who did go, probably don’t remember it much , let alone having much of a good time. It’s one of those things that become a special and romantic part of human history. Probably because it was all about peace and good will. I wonder how many of the people who went continued on a path of enlightenment? And how many became greedy corrupt bankers, lawyers, and politicians? That would be a good question to ask. I guess having faith in the human collective can translate into some sort of spiritual righteousness.

Many of the people who were at Woodstock are retired now, some in – gasp – old-folks homes, and assisted living facilities. Or more obscuriously, become worm dirt. Time is a nasty mistress. If she posted a personal add on CraigsList it would be something like:

“ISO men, women, children, to share time with. No going back. Consequences for actions. No guarantees on remembrances or impressions, but you will have the ability to make sand castles, and live in the moment. Let’s feel good together!”

From Eight Track to Ipod:

40 years has brought us unbelievable change. We have gone from: Acid Rock to Acid Reflux. Instead of screwing the system, we are concerned with upgrading it. Getting more head means less hair falling into our eyes. We are still concerned with seeds and stems, but now it’s called roughage.

We felt oddly grounded by our parents and elders begging us to get our hair cut. Karma has the last laugh with that now that our kids our begging US to get their head shaved, or their eyebrows pierced.

We were concerned with tapping the KEG. Now we are concerned with getting tapped into the EKG.

What has it given us, and what’s next?
Depends.

One thing we have learned through all of this is that the “Shouldas” get louder as we get older.
I am sure that Joni Mitchell regrets turning down Woodstock to instead be on the Dick Cavette show, and who knows how much longer Tommy James and the Shondells would have been around if they hadn’t turned down the invitation to play there. Not to mention the regret that John Fogerty must have for not letting the producers film their spot at the show. Most people don’t even know they were there.
All you have to do is look at how Santana’a career exploded after his memorable performance there. And the channeling of the era by Hendrix’s searing rendition of the Star Spangled Banner…

Of course the whole reason that the festival was located in Woodstock originally was to bring Bob Dylan out and put him front and center right in his own back yard. But the NIMBY (not in my back yard) forces were at work and he ended up boycotting the event. Instead we do have him on film in more laid back settings like here on this TV show from Canada:

I guess listening to a song like that, had more affect on me than I realized. I not only ended up playing at a place called the North Country Fair in Mt Snow Vermont back in the Happy Hour Days with John M.organ, but it became my way of life.